Releasing the belief of "stronger"

I'm back with more tattoo removal reflections!

Tattoos are a time stamp reflection of where we were at at one point in our lives--what we thought, how we perceived ourselves, what we thought mattered, what labels we attached to so much that we wanted them branded on our skin. 

Tattoos hold our stories. So what happens when we outgrow our old stories? Well I guess that's when our tattoos change and age, and when we don't resonate with them anymore, it is palpable--we can feel it. 

In my last blog, I shared how the cursive letters my "stronger" tattoo have all run together so you can't read the word anymore. 

It was the tattoo that I got on my ribs with an ovarian cancer ribbon within the year after having surgery and chemotherapy. I got it as a reminder to myself that I can do hard things and not only make it through to the other side, but that I can come out the other side stronger. But it was more than that if I'm being honest with myself. I've always believed I had to be strong, act tough, never show weakness or emotion (not that they're the same thing, but I used to believe that they were). I've changed so much as a person since then. My response to the world and my experiences has softened so sooo much compared to the 22-year-old me that got the tattoo way back when. And the tattoo has reflected that change so much that you can't even tell what it says anymore. 

At my first laser tattoo removal session, the laser technician said after looking at it, "What does it even say? Stranger?" HAHAHAHA 

"RIGHT?!" was how I responded, laughing.

Like come on!! That's so funny! And this isn’t new—it’s been illegible for almost a decade!! And it is actually pretty hilarious and ironic that my body and my tattoo have shifted so much as a reflection of me that it looks like my stronger tattoo says stranger! If you can't laugh about that irony, then get the heck out of here! LOL

When I posted the picture of my tattoo to social media, the response was hysterical. Most people said it looked like my tattoo said HUNGER. It was almost unanimous, too.

Well, I can understand the 'hunger' as well. No, I'm not malnourished, but I do have a 'hunger' in me. 

Last week, I went for my second round of laser tattoo removal and it got me reflecting, again. Yes, I know, I know--I do a lot of reflecting. 

The process of releasing the label of always having to be “stronger” is as fucking excruciatingly painful as the photo below looks. 

And my god did it hurt. A week later and it's still quite sensitive to the touch. (Yes I see the mirroring--thank you ;)

This picture was two days post laser removal session and holy hell did this round of laser hurt so bad. I screamed. I swore. I wiggled so much the tech had to stop and give me a break. And it may sound dramatic, but I promise you it was awful. 😬

I've felt insane pain in my life, and I'm not sure any of it holds any water compared to this!It was so much worse than the first time around and now it's making me gun shy to keep up with this process, but I know there's more to it than what's happening on the skin level.

It's not lost on me that I self-inflicted a lot of pain to get this tattoo put on my ribs. And it's also not lost on me that I am ready to release and alchemize the pain that remains as I fully release this tattoo. 

The tattoo removal process holds a ton of symbolism and the release of this label of STRONGER that I’ve worn for a hell of a lot longer than I’ve had it tattooed on my body has a ton of layers to it. 

Layers that I’m unpacking. 

Layers that are surfacing now that I’m having the ink of this label released from the layers of my skin. 

Layers that are deeply embedded.Layers that are ready to be released.

In setting down my “stronger” shield and working to open my heart, I’ve been tested time and time again—each time growing in intensity. 

The flares are intense, and while I’m really used to dealing with these ego flares internally thanks to my strong, super critical ego, it’s been a new experience to have these painful flares happening externally as well. 

But I don’t need a shield of “stronger” to hide behind anymore. So I’m surrendering to the process, the releasing of old stories and coping mechanisms, and old pain. 

Doing the inner work is not for the faint of heart. It will test you. But it will also help you uncover who you are under all the labels you’ve learned to wear as armour, as your identity, and to keep you safe. 

What labels did you learn to wear along your journey of life to help you survive?

Which of those labels have you outgrown?

What labels do you need to peel off like a bandaid? And yes, the wounds underneath will be exposed, but giving them the air to breathe and be seen will also allow them to heal, allow you to heal. 

You are not your labels. You are what is underneath the armour. Let's lean in. <3